I am still not better. I don;t know why I haven't fixed this. I was doing so well for a while, and then I stopped. I am better when I go with people, when I AM with people.

I just moved from my old dorm to new one for the summer, which is just a tad bittersweet, but mostly nice. I mean, this room is twice the size of my old one, and it has air-conditioning!! Anyway, I am so obsessive as I unpack- I rearranged the furniture, and now I can't decide where I want my books to go- next to my bed, on my desk shelf, on the higher wall-shelf...arg. Or my cooking utensils and food. Should they go together or not? I kind of like the way the cans look on the shelf where they are now, but they are so impractically far away form the fridge/microwave. Oh, hey, OCD.

I love you.

Was is it really only yesterday that you left? I guess I will look at it this way: the longer we are apart, the better I will be when we see each other again. I am glad, though, that you took the time to find me and say goodbye, especially because you didn't say it to anyone else. But, it has only been a day, and i already can't stand this. I know you are aware of my ED struggles, but you certainly have no realization of the degree to which it consumes me. That is one reason why I am not ready for you. I am just incapable of giving either of us what we deserve. I will not jump early; I will wait until it is time. I am always trying to take control, to take things into my own small hands. I need to realize that I am not the one in control. I need to trust and believe. I do, I do. I will not jump, I will not manipulate, because I love you. I Love you! I really do! As long as you are happy, I can live. I do love you, I do. What a beautiful realization to discover that I love someone, really and truly. This might be pure and perfect! I will wait, I will wait, but only because I am so, so sure. (The fact that you are so eager to study abroad with me is promise enough.)
Maybe I can beat this because of you. I have not been able to convince myself to give up ED for my own sake. I know about low potassium and about electrolyte imbalances. I know that they can kill me. I know they can mess with the heart, speed and pressure. I know my heart could fail. But, I cannot stop, I have not. I will not allow myself you until I am healed, not until I am whole. You deserve me whole. You have seen me at my very worst, my rock-bottom. You have experienced me when I am within my lies, constructing them, victimizing myself and all. I will beat this for you, so that I can allow you to love me. Perhaps He has sent you to be my saving grace.

bye, love.

//

You are still gone, and I still burn.

I get eight free visits to the psychologist. This is good.





I am so excited, dear, so excited for us. Let's go.

I have never wanted anyone to make love to me before. Never. I am surprised to find that we are at the end of the year already, the school year, and glad that we are what we are. I knew, though, the second that we met, that we would be for each other in some way. Your eyes glinted, sharp with intelligence. Razor sharp. That's how I knew.
Your departure tomorrow will be bittersweet. I need you here; I need you to play off my humor, need you to "get me." However, I need you to go, more. I am not ready. I am not ready for you yet. I feel us burning, but I am not my full me. I am only just good enough, which, in fact, will never satisfy me. So, my dear, give me time. When you come back I will be the best; I will be ready in body and mind, and how hard, then, it will be for us to doubt.

//

(just think of how much better you can be in two days, how beautiful and better. Do it, do it, you can. Stay with the real food, and the cleanse, too.)

Oh, let me kiss you on the brain and all-over. Mutual admiration of each other is so rewarding; I want you to make passionate love to me. I still doubt my sanity, but in this glittering, open world of being and learning and knowing, if I get lost in it, I know you will be lost with me, willingly, in which case I won't be lost, but so, so, so found.